Chapter 3 – Just me

How does one begin writing about themselves? Who they really are from an open and vulnerable perspective. I asked several of my friends to describe me in a sentence in order to give me some sort of starting point. Their responses were so uplifting that it brought me to tears from realizing that I am not alone, and in fact have some amazing people watching my back. One of my oldest friends described me as “Extraordinarily exploding with expletives”, in which he is not wrong. Lol. Another described me as “strong, hard working, fun, goal oriented, well grounded, outgoing and adventurous”. Last I will mention is a friend who has been by my side, through all the ups and downs of all my relationships, and knows all too well what I have gone through. She called me “fun, passionate, intelligent, a great mom, adventurer, and artistic”. Each of these people are such an integral part of my life that I don’t know where I would be with out them, and I feel so very blessed to have them.

If this was a dating profile I would say something like: A spicy Latina with a caring heart, and independent soul. I have a weakness for popcorn, can not survive without coffee in the morning or wine in the evening, and am oddly attracted to witty sarcastic humor. I always enjoy learning new things and the company of fun, intelligent people. I try to eat healthy and stay fit. Hobbies include amusement parks, going to farmers markets, wine tasting (or just social drinking in general), gardening, baking, entertaining, doing DIY‘s, traveling, and being outdoors always seeking my next adventure. In my free time I like going hiking, to the gym, curling up on the couch in front of the TV, or spending time with friends and loved ones.

Today is a solar eclipse and a new moon. According to my horoscope, a big energy day for me. Not that I fully take stock in things such as astrology and horoscopes, but when stars align, if you will, I pay attention. Pun intended. Now I don’t know if this “big energy” is positive or negative, good or bad, helpful or harmful. I do know I woke up this morning with a renewed hope in my future and have been having a good day so far. I have sat and thought a lot about my current situation, and though no decision has been made on what to do next, I feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin.

My personal history is filled with contradictions, a winding, spinning rollercoaster of good and evil always fighting to the death over possession of my heart and mind. I was born October 30,1985. All hallows eve. I recently celebrated my 35th birthday and can tell you that it was such a shit show that I lay in bed for two days contemplating how on earth I got here, this dark and seemingly empty place, in my life. This is not where I was supposed to be at this age. I should have a loving, devoted husband and a gaggle of kids. A nice house with a beautiful yard, with a career that I am proud of. None of that is the case however. I am single-ish as I have no idea where my boyfriend and I stand right now, I have one absolutely amazing teenage daughter, live in an apartment- though its on a beautiful lake, and am unemployed thanks to covid. I am lucky however, and count my blessings everyday. Not just my friends that I mentioned before, but the fact that my daughter and I are well provided for in the moment and so I can not complain or ask for more. We are healthy, safe, and not struggling like I know so many out there are.

I sold my house back in April, which I bought and owned all on my own, when covid caused California to shut down. I was able to immediately get unemployment, and have the luxury of having the money from my house sale sitting securely in the bank incase things really do go south for me. Speaking of South, that is where I am currently living. Left the suburbs of LA, where I have spent my whole life, and traded them for the rural south. My boyfriend got his medical residency out here and I decided, after 7 years of long distance, that is was time to move in together. Seemed like perfect timing considering I had no material ties to California anymore. However, If you have been keeping up with my postings you will know that things have not been going so well. They started rocky, solidified into what felt like true perfection, and then exploded with devastating chaos.

Sadly this coarse of action has historically shown to be the norm in my life. Poor decisions or bad luck, maybe a combination of both, like Murphys law, “anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. And it has all gone so very wrong for me. Nothing has ever worked out for me in the way I had strived for, hoped, or imagined. Any outsider looking in, however, would never have a clue that anything was a miss. Ones life is never what it appears to be. You have no idea what is going on in someones personal life, within the walls of their private home, which makes it unfair to judge anyone while viewing them from afar.

I grew up in an upper middle class suburb of LA. Both my parents worked for the postal service and did well for me and my two younger siblings. At age 5 we moved from Granada Hills CA to Ventura county, settling in a 4 bed, 3 bath, 3,000 sq ft home on half an acre. A very nice house in an upscale neighborhood. It was a little far from the heart of town however, which as a child, made it difficult to see friends from school or socialize with anyone who didn’t live on my block. The options of potential neighborhood friends were slim pickings to say the least. One of 3 Mexican families, in the brand new neighborhood of a 90% white city, I was left constantly feeling as if I didn’t quite belong. For the record I do not speak Spanish. I can order food, drinks, and ask basic questions, but that’s the extent of my abilities. This all despite taking 4 years of Spanish in highschool and the fact that one set of my grandparents, who we actually saw on a regular basis, did not speak any English. I also don’t look “Mexican”. I don’t poses the steryotypical appearance that people associate with the race. I am tall, slender, light skinned, and more beholden of my European decent; as is the rest of my family. According to 23andMe, my ancestory can be traced back to the Iberian peninsula which includes Spain and France. However, on my fathers side, I am 2^nd generation Mexican American. 

I have actually never felt like I truly belong anywhere if I am to be honest. I think that is part of the reason I enjoy traveling so much, searching for a place where I feel I am meant to be. I don’t speak Spanish and don’t look hispanic so I was harshly judged by my own race as being white washed. At the same time I am not white and have the Latina spice so was judged by those who knew I had different family values and traditions. It made for a complicated childhood. Today I am incredibly lucky to have friends of all races, religions, economic status, and sexual orientations.

As long as I can remember I have been anxious, high strung, and always guarded for reasons I have found that more adults can relate to than I would have guessed. Childhood traumas, lack of self confidence from bullying, never feeling loved, and not learning how to make friends are all issues I still struggle with today. I was constantly called fat by my mother, which I was no where near but it caused me to became Bulimic in high school non the less.

A serious eating disorder marked by binging, followed by methods to avoid weight gain.Bulimia is a potentially life-threatening eating disorder.People with this condition binge eat. They then take steps to avoid weight gain. Most commonly, this means vomiting (purging). But it can also mean excessive exercising or fasting.Treatments include counseling, medications, and nutrition education.

– MAYO CLININC

I was also constantly told that “god didn’t give me a brain” whenever I’d do something as an ignorant youth or brought home a C from school, which was quite often. I was unmotivated in life, with no direction for any sort of future, because I felt ‘what was the point’ if I was never going to be able to measure up to my entire families ridiculously high expectations. They literally expected us all to be models, as several of my cousins were, and straight A brilliant intellectuals, as if we were somehow better than everyone else. God knows we were not! We were never allowed to wear the same outfit at family events more than once, and god forbid you gain a pound or have a hair out of place. I was by far the black sheep of my family because I was the only one who argued against these unrealistic rules. Any self confidence I tried to muster was quickly shut down by being called a bitch or other such derogatory names. I had no figure, a string bean physic if you will, a large nose and forehead, bad skin, and huge frizzy hair. Boys made fun of me and girls were just as cruel. My mom was the most judgmental of all, and as she herself had zero friends, the only people we ever saw or hung out with were my equally as harsh relatives.I had no guidance on how to socialize, for all my family seemed to do was argue, and was left to navigate societal norms on my own.

Physical abuse was also not uncommon in my house hold. If we came home with a bad grade, talked back, or didn’t do our chores up to my parents standards, my brother and I would have to go to my parents room and pick out which belt my dad was going to whip us with that evening. My friends noticed the bruises on my body and wanted to report my family, but my parents threatened that my siblings and I would be separated, so I made excuses and kept my mouth shut for many years as I was the oldest and could not protect my siblings if we were not together. I don’t remember a single time where my parents ever hugged me or told me they loved me or were proud of me as a child. When I would mention this to them I would just get yelled at. The first time I remember any of those normal family sentiments was as an adult, after I had had a child of my own, moved out, and proven them wrong in every doubt they ever had about me. They had much harder childhoods than I but were unable to completely break the cycle of abuse. I will not make the same mistake with my daughter. I am grateful however. Grateful for how hard my parents worked and for all that they were able to provide me growing up. I went to good schools, traveled, and had opportunities that I know many of my friends didn’t.

When you are physically and mentally abused your whole life, it seems to be what you end up finding in romantic partners as you get older. A very physically abusive one was my first obstacle. We lasted 5 years before I could no longer take the cheating and abuse and left. My second relationship lasted 6 years, was verbally abusive and he showed he was incapable of caring for or putting his family first, so I kicked him out. My current relationship has been a 9 year whirlwind of support and security, simultaneously mixed with mental anguish and emotional unavailability. The first two had promise of become successful, good men. Alas they proved to never to grow up in the most negative of ways, still doing the same things they did when we were together a lifetime ago. This last one is successful, handsome, so kind hearted, worldly, intelligent beyond compare, funny, sweet, a little nerdy which I love, and yet emotionally stunted unfortunately is seems. Progress, I guess.

So the question is, why on earth do I stay so long with these guys who are not providing all that I need, all that I want, and all that I know I deserve. I don’t think loyalty is that much to ask for and expect in a relationship. I know I am a strong, independent woman with a lot to offer anyone. I know I’m a great mom, have a fun loving and adventurous spirit, and a heart of gold, though it is coated by a blanket of coal. I know who I am and what I want. So what is wrong with me. Well, obviously a lot. The need for love and longing for acceptance. The fear of abandonment and my low self confidence. I have been trying to fill the dark void within my soul in all the wrong ways. You can’t expect others to love and respect you if you don’t do so yourself. It is unfair to depend on someone else for your own happiness. That is a lot of pressure to put on anyone and will never work out well. The crazy thing is, on my own I am great. I am confident and comfortable. I’m content and secure. Maybe because on my own I can be selfish and don’t care much about others. All of my relationships have started with me turning these guys down at first. Maybe it was the chase they were after, when I was just trying to protect my heart, and when they finally got me they became bored. Either way, as soon as we were comfortable and I let them in, that’s when I would get needy and insecure- thinking that I needed to impress them for some reason. They would loose respect and things would go crashing down. Obviously the men I have chosen were not exactly winners to begin with. Well up until this last one. So how do I find someone who is honest, loyal, kind, and emotionally available? It starts with me. I have not had the best luck historically in life or love. But I am determined to have the brightest of futures and it begins today.