I have mentioned before how H seems to make his own worst nightmares come true. Not that his daughter is a nightmare, she is truly an angel, but he seems to continue creating bad situations for himself through choice of actions that knowingly don’t/won’t serve him any good. For as unbelievably intelligent as he is, it’s as if he doesn’t think about things before doing them. He could have prevented that pregnancy, as I was told she usually made him wear a condom anyways, but he didn’t. He said he didn’t want to sleep with the nurse that he cheated on me with last November, that she was boring and he wasn’t attracted to her, and yet he didn’t stop himself. So many conscious decisions made over the years that have lead to a currently unhappy existence. The decision to support his pregnant wife, however, was one that I could not dare dream to argue against. No matter my feelings, that was the right thing for him to do. It wasn’t easy however.
“The proper work of the mind is the exercise of choice, refusal, yearning, repulsion, preparation, purpose, and assent. What then can pollute and clog the mind’s proper functioning? Nothing but its own corrupt decisions”
-Epictetus
Prior to his daughters birth H was all consumed with prestige. I was fearful of becoming to close to him because he seemed obsessed with titles and money vs a happy home life. I wanted the opposite, a family above all else. He seemed to need to prove his worth to the world. I was very poor at the time, and though I had grown up with money, I was not obsessed with it. A happy, healthy family has been my desire, goal, and dream for as long as I can remember. Money came second, if not third, and prestige or others opinions of me meant nothing. H excelled in school, blew his pre med exams out of the water, and was defintitly set up on a path to become all that he ever wanted, or thought he wanted. Surgeon was his end goal. The money, the prestige, the respect as he saw it was his one and only focus. This scared me because I became convinced that a family would never be satisfying enough for him. I can’t say I was wrong as I still feel that way considering all that has transpired, especially this last year. Him not sharing the fact he had a family. Him to treating my daughter equal to his own. After the birth of his daughter however, H seemed to have a new outlook on life. Presitege was no longer everything to him and it was as if he was brought back down to earth from his self made temple in the sky, and grew a new perspective on life. H is the most amazing father, and seeing that side of him made me fall in love deeper than ever before.
Unfortunately perspectives seemed to change in other directions as well. H started drinking heavier than I had ever seen. We drank, and still do drink, a lot together but he was becoming a full blown alcoholic. He hid the drinking well for a time being, however when it grew into depression and started affecting school, is when I began to realize just how serious it was. H failed a major exam, took 3 months off of school to “deal with his divorce”, that still hasn’t happened, and had to repeat several courses which ended up delaying him a year in total with his education. Over the years I had endless sleepless nights, so fearful of what he was doing to his body and scared of what must be going on in his mind to drive him in such a spiraling direction. As I was 3,000 miles away, all I could do was watch helplessly from afar. It broke my heart to see the man I love begin to fall. That is when I made the mistake of deciding I was going to save him, fix him, and bring back the guy I knew. A very selfish and self righteous mistake on my end that was not healthy. I now realize that looking back. He had saved me however, years before, and I was determined to now step up and save him. At the time I felt so selfless for these thoughts and was convinced I could do it. I could fix his world and make him happy if I just tired. I’m sure if him and I were to reflect on that time now, it’s not was he needed back then. I’m sure there is nothing I could have done to change anything. I couldn’t get the divorce for him, I couldn’t take exams or study for him, I couldn’t face his parents for him… he needed to take control of his own life if we were to have a future. Sadly thats not what happened. He hid and suppressed, and drank, and drank, and drank.
I traveled out to visit him many times during the 5 years he lived in Virginia. While they were still living together I became hurt and upset that they were sharing a bed the first year of his daughters life, so he started sleeping on the couch, or so he says. He would FaceTime every night before going to bed though and it gave me comfort and a sense of security. He also would pick me up from the airport each time I went to town, drop me off at my hotel, and visit with me when he could sneak away from school or home. I felt like a call girl, and yet was so grateful for any moment, any kiss, and any memorable time we could steal together. I was often picked up and dropped off on street corners and the action started to eat away at me. I felt like a hoe as our time together usually revolved around sex. Amazing sex, but still sex. I truly was the other woman and this had gone too far. For as much as he was risking with these rendezvous’s, I wanted more. If I was going to spend my time and money traveling across the country, while leaving my daughter at home, in order to see him then I wanted all of him. He was holding me at arms length and I grew sick of sharing. Resentment started to rear its ugly head when promises of divorce and kids didn’t end up being for filled. School was not the issue. Endless nights of studying impressed me. Sharing a home with another woman however, I was no longer going to tolerate. It was either all or nothing.
The pressure of my impatience, resentment, pain, and other negative emotions I know now took a larger tole on him than I would have ever imagined. It was my second attempt at breaking up with him. The first was after the conception of his daughter. I could no longer tolerate knowing that he was sharing a space, a life with another woman; even if it was his wife. The images that consumed my mind of what was going on behind closed doors- being naked, showers, sex… it began to drive me insane and I was ready to walk away. Instead H moved out, got an apartment of his own a few miles down the road in an old and beat up complex. It was roach infested and not in the best neighborhood, but seemed to be all he could afford. Every night he would go over and see his daughter, was always there for her and available for anything that she needed, and every evening he would go home to his lonely apartment, FaceTime with me and go to bed. He is an incredible father and always put his little girl first. His wife however, I felt was taking advantage of the situation. Making up stories to family and friends that H got an apartment in order to study, instead of admitting that they had legally split. A story that H’s family and friends believed, no matter how much he tried to explain otherwise. No one seemed to listen to him however. No one seemed to take him seriously. I, for the life of me, couldn’t understand and it was the first time I realized just how different our worlds were. He left, they legally were separated, and yet every time his family went to visit they would stay with his wife, constantly existing in the facade that everything was fine.
H began doing worse and worse in school. Seemingly unable to get comfortable in his new place and concentrate on studying, depression began to become all consuming. I visited as often as possible, now able to stay with him it financially helped me get plane tickets. We never went longer than 6 weeks without seeing each other. Usually it was more like 3 or 4 though. I tried to make the new place feel as warm and comfortable as possible with decor, handing pictures, getting plants, whatever I could so it seemed like home. Medical school is a nightmare for anyone. But medical school in your mid 30’s with a wife, baby, girlfriend, and unsupportive parents…looking back I cant even imagine what he was going through. H admitted a few weeks back that he is sensitive to words, strangers words- yes, but mine especially. Years ago now, during this time of medical school in DC, when my anger, disappointment, frustration, anxiety, pain, fear, and all the other things began to be expressed more frequently and in more aggressive and raw ways, his heart and head changed with them. He said he could barely push the ball forward on everything else in life before that change – and began to be less resilient and instead hollow afterwards, which drove the unhealthy coping mechanisms- alcohol mainly. I half knew this at the time. I knew drinking had become a problem, I knew depression had set in, though I didn’t know exactly from what- school, child, marriage, family, me…? I knew with no support in any direction he was breaking. I just didn’t know how far it had all gone. I guess I still don’t know to what extent it all took place, how deep his depression really was. He became carful with his words with me, no longer fully vulnerable. Carful what he told me, what he shared, how he shared it, and how much he opened up. Again, I am very protective of H, and any inclination that someone was mistreating him, not listening to him, or not supporting him in a way I felt they should, made my blood boil and I was not hesitant to express my feelings and anger at the accused party. Typing this, an epiphany has dawned that I was no better than those in whom I was angry at. His parents mainly, for being so unsupportive and putting their own shallow feelings and need for others approval over that of their sons well being was a large source of my anger. I see where he gets it from now though. The need for others approval resulting in a lonely existence from not truly letting anyone in. It’s the world in which he grew up, making sure everyone thought all was well behind closed doors, no matter how much one may be suffering on the inside, the facade was of the upmost importance. His wife has the same mindset of his parents, the perception of others is all that truly matters and one must always appear to be perfect. Me yelling didn’t aid in the situation though, no matter how noble my intensions were. My anger, my disappointment, my pain- nothing compared to what I feel today, was not helpful in any setting. I contributed, I’m sure, to his depression just as much if not more than all those who I felt didn’t support him. I don’t know what I would have done differently however. How I could have changed the situation so we didn’t end up here now. What actions I could have chosen, over the ones that I did, that may have made a difference for a better, healthier outcome. Honestly, I think the only thing I could have done is walk away. I thought about it too, a lot. Almost daily. Me walking away back then might have been the best thing for both of us. It would have relieved all the arguing between us, obviously, but I’m sure some hostility and other negative reactions from others in his life. How selfish am I too so whole heartedly want all of him to myself? How egoistical to think I could save him? How greedy to be absolutely convinced that I was the only one on his side? What a self centered person am I?
That is when it all really started. Our downward spiral. I can say with certainty in this moment, that is when we started to break. When I became resentful and he stopped opening up. That is when we started loosing our friendship, our bond, our ability to conquer the world together. God how I regret that in this moment. I truly believed I was doing the right thing. Now I see just how young and ignorant I really was. My heart weighs heavy in my chest as I realize this fact. I feel dizzy with sorrow and more broken with remorse than ever before. I feel so blind. How did I not see what was going on right in front of me?! How did I not change my ways instead of insanely doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result with each attempt, each trial, each fight. We were still seemingly so happy, thats how. We continued to go on incredible adventures, have fun love filled conversations, and undeniably amazing sex. We were still bonded, deep as ever, just now with an unhealthy layer of protection over each of our hearts and minds. I can see now that we began to become guarded with one another, scared and insecure more than ever before. How I wish more than anything that he could know now how sorry I truly am.
I am sorry to myself as well. I am hurt, broken, shattered, and it is not nearly all his fault, as I have lead him to believe in recent months. I bear a great deal of that burden and responsibility now that I recognize where our real issues began. But like I said, at the time we were happy. I focused my world on supporting him as best I could. I believed in him and his success more than anything else. I still do as a matter of fact. I know how amazing he is and it was so selfish of me to try and push him for something he wasn’t yet ready for. Despite him telling me all I wanted to hear, stepping back I now see that his words were well intended but his soul was not yet prepared. Fights began to become more and more consistent, while secrets and lies from him started to become more natural. A classmate had a wedding one year that became a hot topic between H and I. This woman, I had heard of once when him and her maid of honor went to her house for drinks one night, all of a sudden insisted H attend her wedding. The part that got me was how much H went out of his way to ensure I did not attend the wedding with him. Neither did his wife as far as I know, but if we were together, a couple, in love, committed, why on earth would it not be assumed that we would attend any and all events together. I was sure he was hooking up with the maid of honor and the meeting at the brides house was to set them up. He acted so strange after that day. The weekend of the wedding he was actually in California with me when he suddenly took a last minute flight back to DC to ensure he was available to make the event. That’s the way it seemed anyways. I had offered to go, found a plane ticket and even bought a dress, yet he didn’t tell me his departing flight till mere hours before leaving. I was furious, hurt, and persueaded he was cheating. He FaceTimed several times from the wedding and it only fed my doubts, women in the background asking him to dance or calling his name, thats when my real insecurities began to form. I can honestly trace it to that wedding. H attended several weddings the next couple of years and did not take me to a single one. One wedding was that of his two close friends, who knew all about me and we had even gone camping with once, yet he still did not take me despite it being local to my house. I don’t think H ever even asked for a +1. Never even considered taking his girlfriend as a date to any events. Weddings, bbqs, beach days, or just an occasional drink out with others. I became more convinced that he was having several one night stands, if not entangled in several other relationships. Every event, wedding, birthday, holiday I was invited too, the precedent was set that H would be my date, as everyone in my life knew about him. It was expected that he would, of course, attend as my partner, lover, boyfriend; but he never did. I made excuse after excuse for his absence and people began to question me. Question us. He was still in medical school and so his time was precious, however there were times he was in town and seemed to avoid any public displays of our relationship, fearful of some sort of repercussion, though I couldn’t understand what. Something about me, I don’t give a fuck, period. I don’t give a fuck if you love me or hate me. I don’t give a fuck what you have to say about me as long as it isn’t lies or slander. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and no one person is going to please everyone. It is not to be taken personally. Growing up in an overbearing and judgmental family, I stopped trying to live up to others expectations years ago; to what end and purpose. I have never gone out of my way to be mean or harm someone in anyway, shape, or form; but I also don’t go out of my way to impress or please those who in the end will have no real impact on my life. H gives too many fucks to the point where I began to feel abandoned. Everyones opinion of him mattered seemingly more than us as a couple. I started to realize that I was probably never going to be enough, no one person was ever going to be enough for him.
At the time I didn’t see it, obviously. I’m actually impressed that we lasted as long as we did. I can only imagine how incredible we would have been had marriage, baby, family, and our own lack of boundaries not gotten in our way. It was simply one more thing I tolerated. One more thing I suppressed. All negativity quickly went out the window with each look at each other, kiss, gift, adventure, and fun evening together. He surprised me several times with tickets to the Kennedy center for plays, including my favorite, Wicked. I surprised him with a trip to a soccer game in DC and to the Master Golf Tournament in Augusta GA. We treated each other to fancy meals, silly evenings out, fun adventures, and romantic nights in. H and I together could handle whatever life threw our way. If the outside world didn’t interfere, we could have conquered all. Despite everything then, and everything that has transpired now, I still firmly believe that H and I together, we can do anything.
You and I TOGETHER
We can do ANYTHING
-unknown
You-and-Me-Wine 