It’s been almost a month now since our epic fight, break up, and I left. A month since I have seen him in person. I will be officially moved out as of this weekend. Although we have been very friendly, spoken on the phone, and even FaceTimed a few times the last week- I am still grieving. I have good days and bad days. To be honest most are bad, as there has yet to be a day that I have not sobbed as I lay lonely at night, or cried waking up just as lonely and empty, evermore undeniably heartbroken. The more I retail the story of our love lost the more I realize just how toxic the whole thing was, however. How unjustly I was treated. How much I was pushed away and suppressed from attaining what I wanted most. Not by mal intent by any means, but simply by broken pieces not being healed enough for us to be able to grow as we both so longed for. H and I had a brief discussion a couple weeks ago where I asked him why, why if he wants me and loves me, is he walking away. He said there was no hope and I should not try because, despite our love for each other and the fact we were each others worlds (something he hadn’t admitted until that moment), we were indeed toxic and it was not healthy. The rollercoaster of our relationship, that left me with such whip lash and still weighs so heavy on me with an ever gaping hole in the middle of my heart and soul, was indeed unhealthy.
“Even as we grieve we grow”
-Amanda Gorman
The saying “love makes you blind” is undeniably true. An ignorantly romantic notion I use to think was for suckers and those weak of character, however now I can say I’m one of those suckers. I had never truly experienced love before H, and now I am left with a whole new prospective on life and love. I am grateful for him and what we had. The lessons learned, and the growth that came from our relationship, are ones I needed to learn in order to have a healthy and fulfilling future. Not all lessons were bad, not by a long shot. A lot also opened my eyes to things such as how well someone could actually treat me, how caring someone could be, and how much I deserve to be loved. I miss him. A part of me will always miss him. I miss his kisses on my cheek when he left for work every morning, as I lay sleeping. I miss him cuddling me on the couch each evening when he returned home. I miss the way he’d look at me whenever I’d do or say something silly. I miss the sex that will be near impossible to compete with one day. I miss how he’d care for me when I was ill or tired. I miss the flood of bantering text messages that made me feel thought of and wanted. I miss our movie nights and our drunken adventures. I miss us making plans and always seeming to have the same vision for our future. I miss our supportive and rock solid selfless bond that had us confident we could conquer the world together. Most of all, I miss the way he made me laugh, uncontrollably, just by being himself. H opened my eyes to a whole new side of myself that I didn’t even know existed. Even more so than the part of my soul in which he had freed years ago. He, without knowing it, showed me how independent and strong I can really be, how beautiful I am inside and out, and how limitless I am. Just by being himself, he unlocked every part of my being, parts I now love, some I fear, but all I appreciate and will forever cherish.
A part of me is still waiting for him to show up at my parents house, like he has done a million times before, and take me home. Not to Florida necessarily, but by his side and in his heart. I know that’s not going to happen this time, not in the foreseeable future anyways. I know this is different. I know I deserve better. I know we both need to heal. I know he deserves peace and security as much as I do. I deserve a safe and healthy place for my heart and soul. I deserve respect. I deserve communication and the vulnerability required to have a strong, trusting relationship. I know we have the potential, although I know one can’t live off of potential and hope alone. A part of me is still waiting, though. Still hoping. This time however, I must be stronger and more courageous than ever before. Although I will never give up hope, I also can no longer stay motionless and stagnant in this one life we all have to live. They say to have courage takes fear. I was fearful of so much for far too long that it is now time I find the courage to discover myself. No one is the same person they were a decade ago, or even a few months ago, especially after trauma has occurred. Like a Phoenix I will rise from the ashes of my broken heart and once again take flight into the clouds where I can find peace within myself, in order to one day love freely again.
I can tell you emotional abuse is far worse than physical, from personal experience. It doesn’t leave you with visible wounds that you can look at, know to be wrong, and dress with bandages as appropriate in order to have a clear justification in walking away. Instead it messes with your mind and heart in ways that are invisible, and therefore go undetected for far too long, until you are so completely shattered that you don’t even recognize who you see in the mirror anymore. I had terrible thoughts towards the end. The person I became was frightening. I was angry. I was hurt. I was broken. I was scared. Scared of him and of myself. I thought about hiding cameras in the house or betraying him so he knew how it felt. Thoughts of hiring a PI to follow him, or find some way to track his every move, every conversation, and discover every secret. I thought of calling every woman in his phone to discover truths and showing up at his work to find out what was really going on when I wasn’t around, in order to uncover why these women were behaving as they were. I thought about seeking out every woman who claimed to have been with him. I thought about calling his wife, and the nurse he slept with last year, to get their sides of the story and prove that he played us all. In the end I could not any of that. It’s not who I am and I was done compromising myself. None of those actions would have brought me closure, or healed my heart. None would have brought me what I wanted or needed. None would have had an end point that I would be satisfied with.
Things I won’t miss: I won’t miss the flood of woman around every corner that seemed to be lead on by him on a regular basis. I won’t miss being harassed by said women either, though I am still occasionally getting mean messages on social media by strangers. I won’t miss feeling alone and abandoned while in a relationship. I won’t miss his need for everyones approval over the security of our relationship. I won’t miss the lack of communication that fed my insecurities and had me jumping to terrible conclusions. I won’t miss the lies and secrets. I won’t miss other people being involved and influencing our relationships. I won’t miss the constant disrespect, as I saw it. I won’t miss the empty promises and apparently hollow future. I won’t miss the double standards I felt he held me to. Things he would say or do, but if I did it in return he would be upset. Actions such as talking to or going out with the opposite sex, which he did on a regular basis behind my back and hide from me, but if a guy spoke to me on line or a stranger hit on me he would complain and become visibly angry. If I did half the things with other men, that I know he did with other women, he would have left me years ago. I won’t miss feeling weak, unloved, constantly betrayed, and played. I won’t miss being paranoid and I won’t miss constantly being scared. Scared he’d leave. Scared he had more secrets that would break me even further. Scared that all of this was for not and was potential never real, persuaded by action or lack there of that he would never finalize his divorce. Scared I was being used. Scared that he was in fact sleeping around with all these woman who were coming after me, and more than just my emotional health was at risk.
In 2019 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer due to HPV I had contracted. H took responsibility at first but later retracted saying there’s no way it was him. As I have not slept around, and my ex had not slept around while we were together, I know it wasn’t us. Through the course of our relationship H had slept with at least two other women that I know of, and at least 20 others before me. One including his wife who was sleeping around, and the second a stranger who I know nothing about. Far more than my mental and emotional health has indeed already been compromised. I never hid men from him. Never cheated. Looking back there is one interesting thing I now realize. I had very strong boundaries with other men. Friends, co workers, strangers- none of them mattered to me, and therefore never got close to me. The only person who mattered was H. Everyone was more than aware of my love and devotion to him. Unfortunately, as a result I had no boundaries with H himself. That is clear now that all is said and done. He seemed to be the opposite however. H is so sensitive to even strangers words, and so desperate to please all, that he had loose boundaries with other women, to say the least, and stronger boundaries with me. Checking my attitude and not taking my crap is something I fell for at the beginning, but it became more than that as time went on. For a while not even his closest friends and co workers knew I existed. Those he saw on a daily basis had no clue he was even in a relationship, let alone was “in love” and had a family, as I have mentioned before. That’s not love, hiding your partner, choosing others admiration over your partners emotional well being. I believe that is the biggest factor in how we ended up here now. Boundaries, or lack there of, on both sides.
In turn I’m sure he doesn’t miss my yelling. Even from before shit hit the fan. I’m sure he doesn’t miss my paranoia and accusations based off things that I apparently didn’t know the whole truth about. I’m sure he doesn’t miss me always being around, which I’m sure was smothering in some way. I’m sure he doesn’t miss my attitude and temper. I’m sure he doesn’t miss my nagging. Most of all I’m sure he doesn’t miss my frustration, anxiety, and pain from years of disappointment.
Since NYE H has been the sweetest and most communicative he has been in what feels like years. He has admitted to his weaknesses, apologized for “his faults”, said that “in the end his betrayal is what tore us apart”. He regrets every one of his actions that he recognizes aided in creating the monster I hatefully became which in turn tore him apart in the end. He has been kind in having open conversations with me which have been vital to my healing. I had no idea that he loved me nearly as much as he did until New Years day when we went out that night and he so selflessly put all of my desires first. That was a side of him I hadn’t experienced in years. Things I didn’t say I wanted, but he demonstrated just how well he knows me so that there was no need for me to have to say a word. Despite him telling me through October and November, as he held my hand and looked me in the eyes, that he loved me and there was no one else, I didn’t notice/ believe/ realize how sincere he was until New Years. I didn’t know he changed after his betrayal and opened his eyes in a whole new way because he never shared that with me, mostly because I didn’t know about the betrayal for near a year. He never told me how he felt about the cheating and about not having my back when taking a “friends” word over mine. A friend that lied to and severely manipulated him. He said he regretted both actions, but never what his point of view really was until recently. Never what was in his head and heart. He ignored the actions of the women who were stalking and harassing me. Didn’t stand up to them as far as I know. Didn’t seem to have my back or even care. Truth be told I don’t really know anything though, because he wasn’t vulnerable with me when we needed it most. Everything on my end is my perspective, interpretation, and point of view. He held everything in and tried to drown it all with alcohol instead of taking part in the unstoppable team that we once were, so I didn’t have a clue what he was going through. By the time he did try to open up I was already so broken that I didn’t listen, shut him out with my mind made up that he was doing more to hurt me, and was blinded to all of his efforts. He has shown that vulnerability lately however, stating that so much of my perspective was just that- my perspective, vs his reality. We really seemed to step on our dicks in the end. Have been unknowingly doing so for years, and now have lost each other because we got in our own damn way.
H is the love of my life. I have said before, and it will forever be true, that he is the only person I have ever loved. He recently told me I was his everything, his world. Something his mom said once, though I took it as a hostile and unsupportive comment towards our relationship. Now I realize, even if that was the case, it was still true. I don’t know that I could ever let anyone else in as I did with him. I can’t imagine finding a bond as strong and a love as pure. I also can’t imagine letting myself be as vulnerable. To have someone who claimed you were their world cheat, not have your back, and not show you the upmost respect is pain that I don’t think I could survive a second time. I guess we were both more broken than I realized before we even met each other. But the love was real. The support was real. The motivation and confidence were real.
He seems to be healing well and, though it does pain me to see him so well adjusted now that I am gone, I am proud of his progress so far. Healthier habits, focus, and seemingly more open to discussions that would have been thought impossible even a few weeks ago. He will not be easily gotten over, that is a fact. Actually I don’t know that I will ever “get over” him. He has a piece of my heart that will forever be his. The first couple of weeks after our breakup he called me a few time to tell me he loves me and how broken he was. Since then, the little I have talked to him, he has seemed far more put together than myself. I am putting on a show, fake it till you make it. A forced smile and a fake pleasant demeanor with all who I communicate with, including him. My brain however, still cant comprehend. Can’t accept that this is it forever. That we are in fact done for good and after this weekend I may never see him again. The mere thought has me in tears as I type this. I know I need to heal though. I know I have never been truly 100% single and I need some time to myself. As much as my friends are pushing me to take advantage of new found freedom, ironically the last thing I want right now is to date. I need a direction, a life goal. It will be months before I could even consider dating. Years before I can open up. H and I talked about being married and pregnant by his 40th. Thats in a few months. Now, single and definitely not pregnant, my life has taken a 180 degree turn that has me feeling nauseous from the G force level spinning. I am just now able to get off my hands and knees, standing for the first time in a month, still dizzy, but more stable than I have been in a while. Next step is I need to walk. Walk on my own two feet in a direction that will best suit me and my daughter. I know what I want. I know my weaknesses, my flaws, my qualities, and my contributions. H was such a huge part of my life however, that its hard to imagine being myself without him. I suppose self discovery is never ending. I know who I am, I know who I was, now is time to figure out who I’m going to be from here on out. I don’t know where I’m going from here but I promise it won’t be boring.
You-and-Me-Wine 