To say life is complicated is an understatement. We both need time to heal. To grow. To figure out who we are on our own. I’m sure he will date, have fun adventures, of course become even more successful than he already is, and I know he will find a woman as amazing as him in no time. I fear I will not be nearly as lucky, as I still hope this isn’t goodbye forever.
To heal is to feel
To feel is to be vulnerable
To be vulnerable takes courage
Taking courage breaks cycles
Breaking cycles heals
-unknown
I have suffered from high levels of depression for a majority of my life. Something that I don’t think I’ve ever actually admitted to him, or confessed to anyone to be honest. My hard-core demeanor is simply a shield to protect myself from sinking deeper into a hollow abyss that already seems so bottomless. H had slowly pulled me out of my depressive state overtime, simply by being the kind and supportive person he naturally is. He pulled me from the ravine of lancinating darkness that I had been living in for as long as I can remember. It was as if he laid me in the sun, for the first time in my life, filling my soul with its rays of warmth and energizing light. Just knowing he had my back gave me the strength to fight my depression and begin actually living my life to it’s fullest. That was all I needed from him, simply for him to have my back, and I could’ve conquered the world.
This last week I’ve been an absolute mess. My dad tried talking to me, asking what happened and if I was OK. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything. I can’t have my family hate H or look at him in any sort of negative way. So my response was a simple “it didn’t work, it is what it is”. I told my daughter that we broke up because we love her and his daughter very much, and since we weren’t getting along, we needed to split before things got worse. Something she is seeing happen with a lot of her friends parents currently. I told her that we love each other as well- him and I, unconditionally, and that we always will. She was incredibly sad and heartbroken herself, overwhelmed at the thought of having to move again, and yet so strong and supportive. Such an amazing child I have. I count my blessings.
I have not been able to get myself to eat for days, let alone hardly drink anything, leaving me weak and sickly as a result. I couldn’t pry my shell of a corps off my parents couch for 3 days either. The one and only time I left the house was to go to the store to buy my daughter food, in which upon entering, I immediately ran in to H’s dad. It was a sign somehow, I just couldn’t tell a sign of what. We’ve lived in the same city, and I have known what they look like, for a decade; however I have never run into them until that day. A day in which H and I had just poured our undying love into each other’s laps, and yet were still deciding to say goodbye. I couldn’t bring myself to say hi to his dad, as my eyes immediately filled with tears and I panicked. So instead I walked away. I told H I didn’t want hist parents to hate me. He replied “I won’t let that happen”.
For 3 days I didn’t shower, change, sleep, or do much of anything but sob to the point where my eyes became so swollen that I could hardly see. I simply lay in my parents bonus room, which is to become my new bedroom, feeling empty and devastated as I processed my grief. Sudden uncontrollable outbursts of abrupt cries were followed, in short, by bouts of anger and anguish over my shattered heart. That in turn was followed by waves of remorse, regret, sadness, and loneliness. To loose the love of your life is devastating. To be kicked out of your home is heartbreaking. To be forced to leave a place you were finally feeling like you belonged, for a place you know you don’t, is detrimental. I can’t bear to imagine my life without H, even if I dared to dream my wildest of dreams, or darkest of nightmares. He admitted the same the other day, which has me racking my mind on how he could so resolutely say “there is no future”, when we both don’t want one without each other. I guess I don’t blame him. He said my words are what broke him. For months I screamed that I hated him. There was no communication and I was absolutely convinced he was seeing other woman behind my back. His behavior left me with no doubt in my mind. Recent events have me now concluding that I was wrong. The truth is I never hated him, I love him. I was broken when I said those things. Even more so when, I feel, he said worse. I wish he saw that. The truth is, like Julia Stiles says in 10 things I hate about you:
“Mostly, I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little, not even at all”.
-10 things i hate about you
3 days I lay on that couch convinced that I am going to grow old and die alone. 3 days where I tried to relive every happy moment we’ve had the last couple weeks, although they have been few, just torturing myself with the realization of what I have lost. What I have done. Day 4 my friends rallied. They called or showed up or invited me out. Although they have been very unsupportive of my relationship the last year or so, they know how much I love him and how amazing we could be together. How amazing we were together, when things were good. Most have been with me through this entire ride with H. They pushed me to pursue him at first, seeing how unbelievably happy he made me; and then they pushed me to leave him, seeing how bad things had gotten in the end.
The first of the 3 days, H and I exchanged text where we apologized for everything, as our hearts seemed to be breaking in sync. He finally opened up about his point of view and I was so hurt that he didn’t trust me enough to have done that sooner, because then we could’ve fixed it. We could have made it. I would have seen where he was coming from and understood, instead of being left alone in the dark and assuming the worst. I didn’t tell him that though, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I appreciated his honesty and vulnerability. His vulnerability, and his sense of humor, are the two things that I truly love most about him. I told him my side of the story and he ended up calling me from work to tell me one last time that he loves me, through his sobs of pain. I immediately fell to my knees when he abruptly hung up; my heart feeling as if it were about to burst out of my chest, every inch of my body feeling as if it were being stabbed, and my lungs seemingly unable to take in any oxygen from my deep inhaling of cold air. I couldn’t breath, couldn’t move. I wanted nothing more than to hold him in that moment. I wanted to tell him how sorry I am. Tell him I will always love him and he will always have my heart. Confess how I’m holding on to a dream that maybe in 3 or 6 months we can heal and try again, because he is the love of my life and I can’t imagine growing old without him by my side. How can two people who love each other so unconditionally end up making such a chaotic mess of everything. We built our home out of sand, on a foundation of straw. It was bound to collapse. But the land may still be solid and prepped for a more stable foundation to be constructed in its place, one that can bare the weight of home made of unmovable stone instead. I dare to dream. Hope. Wish.
That phone call broke me and for those 3 days I didn’t seem to have much of a will to live. I felt like a monster who deserved to be thrown into the flames for all eternity. I have lost loved ones, of course ended relationships, had terrible endings to friendships, and suffered in other ways through life‘s turbulence. Despite all that, I can honestly say I have never felt pain like I do now. When my friends showed, and I finally arose from my deep mental state of anguish, they convinced me to go outside for a walk in order to re-ground myself with mother nature and try to find what peace I could in the world right now. As I have to return to his house to pack and get my car tomorrow, I was grateful to my friends for helping me find what little strength I could.
I have no idea how I’m going to be able to handle this. He will be in California with his family, as my daughter and I spend the weekend packing what we can and leaving for good. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep my eyes dry in order to see the road as we drive back cross country. Right now, I don’t know how I’m going to survive. Loosing him is the biggest regret of my life. I feel like I have lost the most important part of me and will never be able to fully recover. I don’t know how to begin bouncing back from this, or if I even can.
My daughter and I have been having discussions however. California is unbelievably expensive. Prices have sky rocketed and available properties are few and far between, thanks to everyone flooding the suburbs from LA, due to the stay at home orders because to covid. Condos and townhomes, which is what I’m looking at, have jumped up $100k+ in price since last year when the pandemic first hit. Having lived, even for a short time, in a state that was much cheaper, and provided a much higher quality of life, has open my eyes in a whole new way. Prior to that I would have never left California for anything in the world, but now I don’t think there’s anyway I can stay. H gave me the courage to see a world outside my bubble that I wouldn’t have believed existed, or had the wherewithal to even consider, if it weren’t for him. Because of him, I discovered that I can do so much more on my own than I would have ever thought possible. My daughter and I have made the decision that we are not going to stay in fact. When she is done with eighth grade, we will instead search for a state in which I can provide her the best quality of life possible. I love Florida, I feel like I belong there, so it is definitely a top contender with its 2 out of the top 50 best STEM high schools in the country. We wouldn’t be anywhere near H. He would never even know we lived in the same state. I have friends and ample job opportunities there though. Denver is another top contender however, as my sister lives there, my parents have been looking to move there, and it too has a top STEM high school. With no ties to anything and a new found freedom spiritually, we are also considering London, and other such places that her and I can travel and explore. I’m not sure how practical that is but life is short after all.
Until I can pick up the pieces and try to mend my shattered heart, my daughter and her education will be my focus. Not that it hasn’t been a priority in the past, just now it will be my only focus. No men, no dating, no drunken nights. I need a job and a home to once again call my own. With out H I feel less interested in nights out or drunken fun. He was the only person to have intoxicated debauchery filled nights, or do crazy antics, with. Since he is no longer by my side, I am completely disinterested in everything. Maybe I needed to grow up anyways and I’m too old for bar hopping or clubs. I guess I’m not as strong as I thought. At least not when it comes to him. He is my kryptonite. The only one who can make me crumble. And, oh, how I have crumbled. I am scared to return tomorrow. Scared to step foot in the home that we had created together. Scared to see his belongings and smell his sent as I sorrowfully pack what I see fit to take out of a place I was so proud to call home. Not just the city, or the complex necessarily, but by his side… That was my home. That’s where I felt like I belonged.
You-and-Me-Wine 