I received a job offer. Actually an opportunity I was excited for, out here with him. I really thought it was a sign that this is where I am supposed to be, in this town that I have seen a whole new side too and started actually falling in love with the last couple weeks, however it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out that way. He asked me to turn it down, said that the idea of me getting a job out here put a pit in his stomach and didn’t feel right. He proceeded with his new normal narrative of how “we would just be waisting each others time”…he can’t find his way back, doesn’t trust the relationship, picked up my narrative of we do not have a stable foundation, and finished with “there is no future”. Talk about the ultimate rejection. He also said if I was pregnant he would be devastated, which was a harsh comment to say the least, and a real stab to the heart. I am listening this time though, I hear him. This time I will not try and spin it in my head or proceed in ignorance to his reality and feelings, as I have done in the past, in a pathetic and desperate attempt to try and force what I know we could have. I know we can be so amazing together if we just let go of our fears and insecurities, but this time I will not try and sugar coat it because it’s “not how it was supposed to go”. This time I will respect both his wishes and myself as a whole.
Now I’m heading back in California, not at all by my own free will. His mom refused to bring his daughter out to see him unless I was not present in the house. She’s not seen me yell, I was so good with his daughter, and last time she was out over thanksgiving I thought we had gotten along really well. Obviously I was mistaken. Apparently we are too volatile, according to H’s mom, to the point where she doesn’t feel comfortable with herself or his daughter being here. That really upset me. Obviously we’re not in the best of places, and honestly I get her point, but to seemingly use his daughter against him makes me mad. I am so protective of H that any sign of someone trying to use, hurt, or manipulate him makes me furious beyond all belief. There have always been too many cooks in the kitchen, if you will, when it has come to our relationship. So many opinions from every direction that we have not been able to just be us full time. Our genuine true selves. When we are alone, separated from the rest of the world and in our own bubble meaning we ignore everyone’s chatter and influence, God we are perfect. I can honestly say that is when I am 100% myself and genuinely happy. But when we are bad, it’s honestly frightening.
H’s mom is so sweet to bring his daughter out to see him, especially as often as she does, but to use her as a pawn is reproachful in its own way. He doesn’t see it that way. Maybe he has more to do with her decision than he is telling me. His mom definitely has some childhood traumas of her own that I already believed she had been projecting onto H his whole life, even prior to all of this. Little things in the way she raised him has him behaving sometimes like he was the one who was abused, or did the abusing and deserves little in life as a result, as opposed to that narrative being the storyline from her life that it is. From my outside perspective it definitely feels like her personal issues were lane on H as a Cross for him to bear in order to somehow free the weight from her shoulders. She comes from a home of divorce, her dad she doesn’t talk much about but he died when she was young. Her mom had remarried soon after the divorce and she (H’s mom) did not seem fond of her stepdad. In fact she used the word “tolerated” when mentioning him, but admitted that he seemed to make her mom happy. Based off of the brief conversations we have had, I don’t think think the stepdad was a bad guy, or that she saw him as a bad guy, I just think it wasn’t her dad. A personal issue she grew up with and is now laying on her son, H as he is going through his own divorce. She has not been supportive of his divorce- let alone our relationship, has mentioned in the past that H should not date till his daughter is full grown, and has made many comments that I can see cut him deep but I think are more from her past than reflective of his present. Please don’t get me wrong, I actually admire his mom. I was ecstatic to think I could have such a successful and amazing mother in law. She is an incredible grandma, very skilled in many things like her son, classy, and one tough chick, which I respect. However, for them to kick me out of my own home, and use his daughter as a tool to justify these actions, has a Machiavellian feel to it. No child deserves a hostile environment, and H and I discussed for years how we would show our girls what a healthy and happy relationship looks like, since our previous ones had gone so wrong. We obviously fell very short of that vow, which breaks my heart in a whole new way.
His mom was being nice to me for a little while and I thought there was hope that we could all become one big happy family. Now reflecting back I realize she was never going to like me because I’m not H’s wife. I am not the mother to his child. I am this stepparent that doesn’t belong because families belong together from what I have gathered. I wanted more than anything to prove that wrong. To prove how much I love H and his daughter and show what an incredible family the four of us, including my daughter, could make. These last several months were definitely bad timing in getting to know his mom. I only met her a year ago, even though H and I have been dating for near a decade, and it saddens me on a deep level that she has only seen us at our worst as opposed to our best. Yes, we have been fighting for months, and I 100% get wanting to protect your child from someone who is unhealthy for them. I have been unhealthy for him. I admit that. If that were the end of it, I would understand. But conversations were had over thanksgiving that are now being twisted and making me look like a crazy liar, or maybe just crazy in general. I don’t know because no one is sharing with me. These manipulative games I don’t play. There are three sides to every story as the saying goes, one, two and the truth. H was so high and drunk the last month or so that he doesn’t even seem to remember half the conversations that happened between us, or between him and his mom. Worst of all, the fact that once again, because yes- it’s happened before, I am not allowed near his daughter is really all ending for me. I feel as if they are casting me as some terrible person who would do terrible things to her. As if I am an evil villain in a story that is only being shot from one angle and the camera is blurred so even that is not an accurate depiction. I love his daughter and every time I am not allowed near her makes me feel worthless, insignificant, and shitty for lack of a better word. If we came to the conclusion I should not be here- a mature conversation had between two adults, on our own, then fine. If he asked me, or we talked about any reservations, then fine. But no, he sat in front of me and blurted out that I need to be gone by the third. There was no discussion, no ease into the statement, just a hard slap across the face that felt like it was screaming at me “get the fuck out, you’re unwelcome, unloved, and not respected in the slightest”.
All of this came as such a shock to me as it accumulated on New Years Eve. This last week I felt like we were getting along so great. Honestly, it felt like old times to me. I could tell he was still guarded but he was sweet and everything just felt right. So when I received the job offer, and sat down to talk to him about it, I was nervous but hopeful. That hope was quickly diminished as soon as he started talking. Apparently he had a very different perspective on the week than I did. Not one of hope and promise but instead one of mistrust and solidification in his mind that there is no future. That was devastating all over again. Being vulnerable to him and him once again shutting me down. Rejecting me for what felt like the millionth time. He broke up with me as I sat on the couch in a robe, laptop in lap, and turned down the job opportunity. There was no harshness in his words, just blunt honesty which I appreciated; but they still stung like a million bees swarming my heart, striking with venomous force every piece that wasn’t already shattered. We didn’t argue, no one yelled, there were a few verbal jobs but we both actually did a pretty good job staying calm. Eventually I did tear up and become defensive. He said as soon as he said what had been weighing on him, he regretted it. That once that burden was off of his chest and mind he could see things more clearly, was able to have a fresh perspective and more positive outlook. That doesn’t take back what he said though. If he was sincere in his message, then I need to respect that. I admitted that if he didn’t break up with me, I don’t know that I would have actually ever left him. Not yet anyways.
Thank you for leaving me, I would have never had the courage to leave on my own
-unknown
Despite the break up, kick out, and heart ache, H was insistent on spending New Year’s Eve with me. I told him to go out with his friends but he persisted and I eventually agreed to spend the evening with him. We went to the nicest restaurant in town, had incredible service, amazing drinks, great food, and for the first time in a long time genuinely fun conversation. Neither of us were guarded or even angry in the moment. I for one felt free. It seemed in some weird way that without the burden of pressure that comes with the relationship we were able to just be ourselves, to be friends again. After dinner we sat in the town square and listened to live music. It was the most picturesque small town evening, with Christmas lights and families everywhere. Like something out of his beloved RomComs. We then went to play pool at a local bar, in which I lost terribly, and eventually proceeded to a very nice bar that sits high above the town square so we could people watch. That’s when I got just drunk enough to finally break down with the realization of everything that was happening. I started tearing up at the bar and excused myself to the restroom to try and compose myself, but to no avail. One woman, who asked for directions to the restroom as I walked by her, saw I was in tears. I told her it was “this way” and lead her in the right direction. As soon as we walked in the restroom the woman gave me a hug while I blew my nose at the sink and patted my eyes dry. Another woman, also seeing my tears and desperate attempt at trying to calm myself, walked up and held my shoulders saying “it’s OK, you’re strong”. Complete strangers and yet they were so kind, almost like they new exactly what was going on. H, obviously seeing I was a mess even after my attempt to calm my racing heart and returning tear free to the patio table we were seated at, quickly grab the check and paid for it so we could leave. As soon as we got out the front doors I felt the waterworks come on again and quickly walked to some stairs at the side of the building that are meant for emergency exit. I slumped down and just started bawling. I couldn’t help it. I was absolutely devastated. H sat next to me right away and held me so tight as I cried and cried. They weren’t even quiet cries, they were audibly loud, heart wrenching cries. I didn’t know a persons heart could break so many times in just a couple of weeks, months, or even years. His arms are my favorite place in the world to be, which made the emotions that much harder to sort through. I eventually calmed down and we proceeded to one more bar just before midnight. This place is a lot of fun, potentially my favorite in the whole town, with its LA vibe and hipster decor. We got some drinks, making friends as I fought the crowd at the bar, and then we danced. This was a huge deal because he doesn’t normally dance, just watches me, but he was amazing. Nothing makes me happier or feel more free than when him and I ignore the world and just dance. Sounds lame, but is so true. Midnight struck, he held my waist, leaned in and kissed me, and my heart melted all over again.
I’ve never played with sparklers before and for some reason was really determined to do so this New Year’s Eve. I bought some and as soon as we got home H reminded me and we lit them outside. He photographed and filmed me as I played with sparkler after sparkler trying to spell 2021 and just innocently enjoying the light show. I was blissful from the night out and for the first time in years felt like all was right with the world. Unfortunately when we got inside I started to cry some more, just unable to bottle up my emotions any longer, which of course all of the alcohol was not helping with. I once again calmed down and composed myself to the best of my ability. H had bought me a coronavirus piñata for New Year’s, as just something fun, and I was so excited to break it. We had filled it with cards of naughty things that we wanted to do, crazy ideas like streaking down the train tracks behind our house. Both half naked, shedding the cumbersome clothes we were no longer comfortable in from the evening of adventure, we broke the piñata in our living room. We pulled cards and had a great time. He kissed me, as one card said to make out, and I couldn’t pretend like it didn’t mean everything to me. That night we had arguably the best sex we’ve ever had. Something we both agreed to sober the next day. Genuine and vulnerable from an honest place of love. That is a sincere statement.
I was in absolute heaven, completely enchanted from the most perfect evening and best New Year’s eve of my life. That was all shattered when H came in the room the next morning, with my phone in hand, showing me my match.com dating account. He had gone through my phone, claiming that he was looking for proof I had turned down the job and hoping that I hadn’t. A real mindfuck honestly. He told me to turn it down and now the next morning is sitting there hoping that I didn’t do it. This rollercoaster just seems to be never ending. He went through my emails, photos, and text messages. That actually doesn’t even upset me. I don’t care if he goes through my stuff. I was mad that first off he didn’t ask. There was no conversation. He didn’t ask about the job or about me being on dating sites. For the record, despite me responding to messages from a handful of guys, I did not meet up with, go out with, or mess around with any of them. And I had no intention on doing so either. I realized recently that I loved H more than I have loved myself. That he was my world to the point where it was potentially unhealthy. Match was my equally unhealthy attempt at changing my unhealthy habits. Well two wrongs don’t make a right, I know. He was so cold and cruel leading up to Thanksgiving and through out December though, that I became desperate to break my habits of running and throwing myself at him. Actions that made me feel weak and pathetic for he kept rejecting me. Instead I turned to this site, selfishly seeking attention and some resemblance of self worth, over Thanksgiving when he randomly, and abruptly, messaged that he had released mine and my daughters cell phone numbers from his account and transferred all the bills I was paying to himself- again done without any discussion. Match was wrong of me to do, I see that now, as we were living together still. I just needed to feel in control and didn’t care if I hurt some strangers feelings. I needed to see that I could be desired, as I had felt so undesired by H for months. I needed to fill this void in my soul and for some reason chose the most shallow path possible. God knows I was not, and am not, interested in anyone that I have exchanged a couple words with. My friends were right in saying that I would never get over H. I don’t see how I could. Though I feel like I have grown this last year, I obviously still have a long way to go. H made the statement that this, these actions and attention seeking, are not me. He’s right. It’s not who I am, who I was at least, and not who I want to be.
The second reason I was upset was the hypocrisy, as I saw it, of H being mad that I was on a dating site despite him having broken up with me several times between November and New Years Eve. His double standard of how he would go out with females all the time to the extent where the women thought they were dating him, yet that is somehow justifiable even though we were very much together at the time; but me going on a site and exchanging a few words with strangers who never received my personal info nor did I ever meet up with, is unconscionable despite me being single based off him repeating that we have no future. He left me over another womans lies, cheated, broke my heart over and over, and kicked me out more than once but is shocked and hurt that I did exactly what I said I would. I said to his face that I will not force him to be with me and if he doesn’t want me then I will find someone who does. And I meant it. If H doesn’t want me then it is not right for him to keep dangling my hopes and dreams in front of me when he has no intention on making them a reality.
He stated that he does want me and left for the day, very hurt. I would never intentionally hurt him and that broke my heart even more. He said he didn’t know who he was without me. I didn’t know what to make of that. He says he wants me, but won’t marry me. He says he loves me, but won’t get me pregnant. He says he respects me, but he’s not letting me in. The back and forth tug a war is draining. Again, us being in love or wanting each other is not at all our problem. I just wish love was enough. Everything somehow got so fucked up that maybe our path back is no longer possible. I don’t believe we ever had a strong, solid foundation to build a healthy relationship upon. We started as a secret affair after all. I’ve believed for years that if we were to make it work we would have to start all over, start fresh, clean slate. It just never happened because we couldn’t let each other go. I no longer take stalk in thinking that we need to find our way back. Instead we need to find ourselves and see what grows from there. Never go back, always move forward. Returning back to an unhealthy relationship, H is right, has no future. Building a new one, that I believe has real promise.
As H was returning from his day out I invited him out for a drink. Hesitant at first, he agreed. We had another incredible evening. Went to the patio bar, people watched, found a great wine spot with live music, played Mario kart on a projector and beer pong with trash cans. If it was a date I don’t think I could have come up with a better evening had I dared to dream. When we got home H saw that I took all the pictures off the walls. In the past he has accused me of being manipulative by leaving the pictures up when I leave from us fighting because it makes him think of me and us. So this time I took them down. What was meant to be a respectful gesture blew up when he got visibly upset. He stormed out, but returned shortly after. Although I felt calm I was having trouble breathing all of a sudden. I don’t know if I was having an asthma attack or a panic attack, but when he returned my heart felt like it was being stabbed with a knife and no matter how deeply I tried to inhale I felt no air was getting into my lungs. H was amazing in helping me calm down, giving me meds, and checking on me as I threw up. He was still upset, or hurt, though and ended up sleeping in another room. Although he did give me a kiss goodnight at my request, he refused to come to bed.
This morning I woke up to him gone, apparently running some errands. I called him a few times which only resulted in arguments and his resolute response that we were done and there was no future. He seemed angry, cold, and standoffish. He wouldn’t tell me why he was breaking up with me yet again, just that we didn’t work. He wouldn’t really tell me much at all, actually. We were done and I needed to move out, and if I didn’t move out then he would. Upset by his words, I started packing even more than I had done the day before, which I think, in turn, triggered him to be more upset himself. A vicious cycle we can’t seem to break. Hurting each other due to each of us hurting, ourselves, from this colossal avalanche we have become buried under, no longer able to come up for air or light as we are smothered in darkness and freezing cold. So here we are, day 2 of the New Year. Each night I see such promise, such hope, such blissful and natural peace and happiness. I feel like us again with a glimpse of my best friend, who is all I ever wanted. Each morning I see heart ache, sorrow, confusion, and anger from our bleeding wounds that we have unintentionally inflicted upon one another. Neither of us know what to do, what to say, or what the “right” thing is. He says we are done, and deep down inside I just don’t want to believe him, although I know he is right. I know this is right. Leaving is necessary to heal. Really, truly, and whole heartedly heal. It does not make the situation any easier however, and I will always have hope for us. The thing is you can’t forget your past, it’s what makes you who you are and to love yourself is to respect your past. The lessons learned and the growth from this relationship will always be with me, and he will always have a piece of my heart. If this is truly goodbye then I am grateful for having had him in my life for the time that I did. I just can’t accept that this is goodbye forever though, but more of a see you later when we are better. Thats my hope anyways. So one day at a time, I guess, is all we can do for now.
You-and-Me-Wine 