Merry Christmas Eve. With the holidays upon us I have not had time to finish my next chapter however, there is still so much going on that I felt a second update was appropriate.
We are given one life to live and it is up to us to live it in the manner and way in which we so desire. One life that is not to be wasted searching for things that are unattainable, or to try and reach some sort of societal expectation, but instead to discover what makes us happy and fulfilled in our own way. The pain of life is how we learn, how we grow, and how we evolve. Evil is necessary to appreciate the good. Everyone has a shit storm to navigate through at some point in their life. Some storms are hurricanes and some are a spring drizzle, however we all get rained on none the less. It is up to us to decide what, or if, we learn from these storms and choose whether or not to navigate a smoother course forward that will bring us more directly to our desired destination.
If you choose to stay in a negative situation then you can’t get upset that your situation continues to be negative. If you choose to not apply yourself or to drink too much or to not drink at all, then you can not blame others when things work out one way over another. You can not heal if you do not face your demons. You can not try to fix a toxic relationship or doctor a broken heart if you are not willing to draw firm boundaries, stand up for yourself despite any consequences as you may see them, put your foot down, and walk away. Although I have left him several times, I was never really willing and ready to walk away. There was always a safety net in knowing that we were in love and somehow needed each other. This time I don’t know anything. I don’t know how he feels or what he’s thinking. I don’t know where he stands with us or if he really meant the harsh words he said a couple weeks ago. What I do know, however, is how I feel and where my new boundaries lie. I am finally ready to actually walk away. Not out of anger or pain or thinking that he is not the right partner for me, but for myself. For my own mental, emotional, and physical well being. Although I am not going to pack up all my stuff and move out just yet, I am going to stick to my new boundaries in a healthier way.
The definition of insanity per Albert Einstein is to continue to do “the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. As humans we have the inexplicable ability to choose our actions. To not make the same mistakes over and over and over again thinking that somehow next time will be different. Next time they will change, they will listen, they will…fill in the blank. We can not control anyone else. We can not force them to change or to see or to feel what we desire. The only thing we have control over is how we choose to handle the situation. Our decisions are our one true super power. In the past I had made the decision, as did H, that we would deal with each others bull, despite all the red flags and warnings. That we would never leave each other even though we have no real ties. We don’t share any financial obligations, we are not married, and we have no kids together. All in all it would be very easy to separate and walk away. Instead, we continued to make the same mistakes and utilized the same unsuccessful solutions over and over to end up with the same results. That is what led us to the storm we are navigating now. This is the first time anything has shown promise of change. Real, genuine change.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”
-Albert Einstein
I had a conversation with a friend recently where I was expressing to her how I desperately want to be married and have children, convinced that by this age that’s exactly where I should be in life. She has an incredible and loving husband and two beautiful sons who she loves more than anything, but her desire was to have freedom. Freedom to do what she wants when she want it. Have a career to make money, support herself, and expense that freedom. There’s the saying you always want what you don’t have. We argued we want the best of both worlds. I have the freedom and financial stability she desires and she has the family I dream of. I feel like we are two sides of the same coin seeking happiness in what the other has, versus truly appreciating what’s right in front of us. Her words definitely made me sit and think for a long time making me realize how lucky I am to have the freedom that I have. Even with H and me fighting, as terrible as it’s been for the last eight months, I have the freedom to walk away if I so choose. I have the freedom to go wherever I want, when I want. I have the freedom to change careers, move across state lines, or change my mind and not create a family that I’ve been so desperate for my whole life.
One thing I’ve realized is that my expectations for the relationship, and life really, were set at an obscene and shallow level. This unrealistic fantasy I was trying to live up to in my head, which I was so obsessed with making into a reality in order to somehow prove myself, that it blinded me from seeing what was actually right in front of me; good and bad. I couldn’t appreciate little moments because I was consumed with creating big ones. At the same time I couldn’t except bad moments because that’s just not how things were supposed to go putting me in a state of denial. I was desperate for the white picket fence and the picture perfect family I never had as a child. I thought those things would bring me happiness, purpose, and fulfillment. It is not fair for me to expect H to bring me happiness. It is not his job to arrange his life in order to accomplish my goals, and it is not my job to try and fix him. To try and change him into the man I think he can and should be. It is not healthy for me to stay in a relationship simply for the vision of a picture perfect facade, if behind closed doors our life is burning to the ground. I need to be happy in my own right. I need to obtain my own goals. We should support each other. Be in line with each others ambitions and have the same destination in the end. But to rely on the other to fill the dark void in each of our souls is a recipe for disaster.
I was not happy as a child. Neither was H apparently. Not that we don’t have good memories or didn’t grow up with everything we needed because we did, but we are both cynical people at our core as adults because of childhood traumas. We are also very loving, big hearted people who would give anyone the shirt off our back if needed. A weird contradiction, I know. We are both angry and self conscious, yet at the same time are seeking the love and support we feel like we never got growing up. When we met we had found happiness in each other, not because we expected the other to make us happy, but because we were supportive and encouraging of the others aspirations. We were friends above lovers and put each other first, but without sacrificing who we were at the time. We learned from each other and grew as a result. That was a healthy relationship. I am still trying to pin point when that shifted. For now I will say it has obviously taken a complete 180, and it’s time that I, for myself, go back. Back in the sense of not relying on anyone else to fulfill my needs.
We have both admitted being able to picture staying together and picture breaking up, but neither of us can fully picture moving on. We know we could and would find other partners, maybe people better suited for us at this time than each other, however in our hearts that is not what either of us want. Despite the possibility of meeting and even dating others at different points, we know the ghost of each other would always be a present force weighing on us. A toxic relationship is what we had, it’s undeniably where we are coming from currently. A healthy and happy one is our utmost desire. Upon researching the situation and topic, the common professional recommendation on how to transition from one to the other is the willingness to walk away. Draw your boundaries and stick to them. Of course it takes two, a healthy relationship can not be one sided, so both people need to be invested in making it work and put forth equal effort. Him breaking up with me is a huge deal. Even if he was not fully willing to walk away and potentially was still going to come after me. The step to break up was a step in the right direction. I in turn am willing to walk away. Drained from this up and down, back and forth, I simply have no more energy to devote to a relationship that doesn’t seem to be serving me well. Although I am still around and have not walked away just yet, I am ready mentally to do so if and when the time calls for it.
I had to text H in regards to some packages that had arrived at the house the other day. He was still in mammoth with his parents and daughter but immediately called me after my text. Maybe it’s the holiday season but he wanted to hear my voice. Said the week was fine but that it was suppose to be different, my daughter and I were supposed to be there with him. That made me remorseful but as I stated in my last update, I do believe that us not joining in on this family vacation was the best decision. We needed time apart. Time to evaluate. Time to heal. As we were talking H FaceTimed. He wanted to see me. My heart melted when I saw him. We talked more just about our week and he asked me out on a date for when he returned home. I explained that I would actually not be there but instead back in California for Christmas. He seemed very surprised and a little upset by this news. He wasn’t talking to me and never asked what my plans were, so I didn’t volunteer them till that moment, which seemed to catch him off guard. I think my friends are right when they say that H thinks that I will always be around. So far it’s been true. Even though he can be self conscious or concerned about other men, he knows I would always make myself available at his convenience. I at least hope he knew that. Something I have thought long and hard about. Something that has now changed with new boundaries. I will always be there for him, always. But we need to heal. We need time apart. I am not a dog or servant to come running at his beacon call.
I flew to California, as stated. H FaceTimed several more times before he too return to our home town. As soon as he arrived at his parents, whom actually live down the street from mine, he came over to see me. Both exhausted from travel, we sat and talked for 4 hours. A lot was said. A lot was admitted as far as perspective, emotions, and current state of mind. Although negative, we finally found common ground and started to seem like we were on the same page. Kids has been a huge topic of discussion for years. Now it is off the table as neither of us want to end up as single parents a second time. We are also both guarded from the same fears of being vulnerable and hurt, have the same paranoid thoughts, and still the same unwavering love for one another. It’s a starting point at least.
I told him that I will be returning to our home the day after Christmas for a job interview. Honestly I also had plans of packing while my daughter was still in California through the new year so that way she could be guarded from any potential fights. He was sweet and asked me on a date for that weekend. I agreed, but with hesitation. We concluded that we will take things one day at a time. Get to know each other all over again. No one is the same exact person they were 9 years ago. We need to discover who the other truly is now and if that is even someone we still are interested in a future with. Or if we are too far grown apart, and despite our love, are no longer a good fit for one another. There are already some behavioral things I take issue with now that my rose colored glasses have been shattered and I can see clearly. His desperation for friendship over family. He went to dinner with friends tonight, ok fine, but ignored my text for 3 hours as he got off work, made plans with these friends, went home and changed, then drove across town to meet up and have a few drinks with them. In all that time he didn’t take 2 seconds to respond or let me know he was going out. Not that he needs my permission, but common curtesy would be nice. He also seems to only go out when I am not around. I find that interesting. I find it inconsiderate and not a quality I like. Why not go out together. Why not have people over like I have asked. It feels like he’s hiding something or someone. He got defensive, we argued a little, but I saw no point in fighting. When he calmed down we spoke again in a way were I was able to express my feelings calmly and he would actually digest what I was saying, vs him hearing my words and interpreting what I was saying from his perspective. There is a very big difference. Also there is a huge double standard in regards to this situation. He constantly FaceTimes me when he knows I’m out with my friends and I always answer. Always. If I don’t he gets upset, mopey, and interigates me for days. But here he is, going out without a word and ignoring my text. The conversation ended well enough and in the end he asked if we could do something for New Years. I said one day at a time.
H made confessions afterwards, during a separate FaceTime call, that he was hesitant to go home to me. That he secretly hoped I would be gone by the time he returned because it would leave him no choice and would make the break up easier somehow. He also stated he is very grateful that that is not how things played out. I don’t know where he was going with those comments, but I confessed I was on the same page. I admitted that I had actually packed up a lot, the guest room is full of packed boxes, the storage unit organized and separated, I had called moving companies, and I have been applying for jobs in California. He appeared shocked and devastated by this new information. He immediately stood up from the couch and went to investigate the guest room. He asked a few questions, seemingly upset that I told him any of this, and his eyes welled up with tears. He then asked to get off the phone in order to compose himself again. I think for the first time he something hit him. Our situation, heartache, fear… I’m not sure. Despite him breaking up with me weeks ago, seeing my stuff packed up was a slap in the face with realization that I am ready to leave and no longer willing to deal with things if they continue to go the way they have been for far too long. He called back again, calmer and appeared grateful for my honesty. I feel for the first time in a long time we were finally communicating.
I think the only way to heal and move on, whether together or apart, is 100% honesty. Honesty with ourselves and with each other. Even though it may hurt at times I, for one, am no longer willing to operate under some false delusions of grandeur and happiness that don’t actually exist. But instead face our demons head on to really see if the fight it worth taking it to the end or if surrender is the best course of action and it’s time to lay down the sharp swords our tongues have become and begin suturing up our bleeding hearts from this battle we have been waging for far too long.
You-and-Me-Wine 