Have you ever given advice and yet can’t seem to follow your own words of wisdom, despite knowing it’s the right thing to do for your physical and mental health, as well as the well-being of your family.
Why can’t I take my own advice? Why can’t I sit back and see what others are seeing? We began with a simple “hello”, but now things are so complicated I just don’t know that I can ever truly say “goodbye”. A piece of me would always be missing, that I could never get back or replace. This isn’t what was supposed to happen. This isn’t the way things were supposed to go. Strangers and friends alike can definitely pick up on the distance between us now. We don’t feel united, we don’t feel like one. We have become as fake as any couple just trying to make it through the day. Putting up a façade thinking that we are tricking others, when in actuality we are only trying to fool ourselves. It’s as if with every passing night, as we sleep, he slips further and further away for me into a void that continues to feed off my light and the only thing that’s being left in its wake is the darkness of my bitter, angry soul. Why then can’t I leave? Pack up my shit and get the fuck out.
“Remember that those who don’t see your light are clouded by their own darkness”
-JULIET DIAZ
An argument last week had me saying some unforgivably terrible things that resulted in him becoming very defensive, and rightfully so. H pointed out how unhappy I truly am, since I can’t seem to admit it to myself. That my one and only goal is to get the “hell out of Dodge”, as he put it. All memories in the moment seem to be blanketed with a heavy shroud of negative feelings, as if a part of me has somehow died. I think there’s no truer statement presently. A part of each of us has died. Maybe that’s a good thing. Our relationship potentially wasn’t as solid as we thought it was and one never wants to go backwards. The purpose in life is to continue moving forward. Continuing growing. Continue evolving. Nothing stays the same forever. I just wish more than anything that we were growing, changing, and evolving together. Becoming stronger instead of weaker. He began pointing to pictures on the wall saying “That’s what we need to get back to! That’s when we were happy! That’s when we were strong!”. However, all I saw while looking at the same photos was heartache, lies, secrets, and continued disappointment. All of these fun loving adventures that I have framed around our home have become reminders of all the pain I have endured, instead of the joyful reminiscence of our relationship through the years that they are meant to be. And for the first time it’s as if I am finally feeling and accepting that pain in its entirety. Years and years of heart wrenching pain, empty vows, being lead on, being pushed away, and being hidden. Years of pain I was repressing and compartmentalizing from the here and now. Years of pain where I lived so dependently off hope and promise that I tolerated more than anyone should, more than anyone deserves to, and more than apparently my heart could truly handle. I admit that I am currently physically and mentally ill from it all. I want nothing more than to be healthy. Mind, body, and soul.
The first time he mentioned marriage was 2014. Though I’m not there yet in my blog postings, I still have the picture of the ring I sent him when he stated that he wanted to marry me and asked what I would like. A round 2 carat solitaire in a four prong cathedral setting. That was six years ago now and I have been desperately holding on to that conversation since. I have pushed and yelled and argued “when will it happen?!”, because why would someone make statements and promises that they don’t intend to keep, or knowingly can’t yet follow through on? Why get someones hopes up so incredibly high only to leave them disappointed? It feels like manipulation. Even with the best of intentions and sincerity, if you knew something was not possible in the moment, then why not be forthcoming about it? He legally can not marry me right now as his divorce is still not finalized. Yep, he is still very much married. I don’t even know if it has been filed to be honest. He tells me every year it’s filed, but that has not been true. He would bring up marriage randomly all the time. Even making comments to my family, who have been harping on me for years as a result. He says that’s when we started to drift. When I began putting pressure to move forward. It seems the only time our relationship really worked for him was when we were apart, loving each other from a safe and secretive distance. He swears he was definitely going to marry me. That there was never a question, until recent fights, that I was “the one”. Something easily said by someone who is breaking up with you and no longer needs to follow through on a commitment I guess. But I don’t understand that. If you love someone, say you want a family with them, and promise them marriage then how is that same someone, wanting to pursue said promises and goals of spending the rest of their life with you, adding pressure? How is trying to follow through and make real the objectives that you claim to want adding pressure? I didn’t mention marriage. He did. He purposed over the phone several times and talked endlessly about the ring he wanted to get me. I didn’t even need a ring, I just wanted him! Last year he even took me to Vegas to race for the size of my diamond as a fun bet. Thats how amazing we once were. Who does that? Races Lamborghinis for the size of a diamond. We did that.
But a formal purpose never happened. I waited 6 years so far and I don’t feel like we have ever gotten closer to being engaged than that day in 2014 when he asked for my ring size. So what am I waiting for. Why did he take me to Vegas if there was not going to be any follow through. How could his promise of marriage be sincere when he can’t seem to divorce his first wife. We’re definitely not getting engaged this year, I can tell you that. Probably not next either if we, by some blessed miracle, make it out of this seemingly bottomless pit we have dug for ourselves. We’re no closer to having kids either. We’re no closer to anything that I wanted in life. We are somehow further than ever before from everything we ever talked about building together. His words from two weeks ago haunt my mind as a horrifying reminder of just how far we have truly fallen. “I will never marry you. I will never get you pregnant. I no longer see a future.” I have cried myself to sleep every night since, left feeling desperate and alone.
H has shown a history of getting caught up in his own head of darkness and fears so much so that he ends up manifesting his own worst nightmares. It’s sad and infuriating to witness someone you love hurt themselves in ways you have no control of stopping. Some of our fights, some of our big negative life events, I don’t think would have happened if he could only step back and get out of his own head. If he could only talk to me like he use to and realize that he’s not alone, that I have always had his back and been by his side. If he could’ve only seen himself through my eyes, and realize how amazing and strong he is, so much could have been avoided. Maybe who I am seeing doesn’t exist though and its all been nothing more than a figment of my imagination. Maybe I am trying to make him someone he’s not. Maybe the man in my head, who I am so deeply in love with, was never real. Or maybe he was, but through the years of fights has since regressed into the one that I now lay my head down next to each night and can’t seem to recognize. Did I do this? Am I responsible for what has transpired? I admit I have not had a great, or healthy, history of relationships. I attract “emotionally unavailable men”, as Ive been told. But maybe I am the emotionally unavailable one.
“Emotional unavailability” describes a person who’s evasive, avoids meeting up, or simply doesn’t like to talk about their feelings or relationships.
That person might also have difficulties with the following:
trusting people
bursts of anger
forming and honoring commitments
keeping a stable relationship going
These all suggest a person who is keeping intimacy at arm’s length.
Still, on the surface, emotionally unavailable people can appear to be very stable
-greatist.com
I have definitely not been myself these last few months. The person I have become is not somebody I would ever want to be or meet or see in the mirror. However H, through conscious decisions and seemingly malicious intent at some points, in order to somehow “protect himself”, created this demon that now stands before me as I stare at my reflection. He betrayed me. Threw me under the bus and left me stranded for dead. Thats how it feels. After he committed his acts, and before I knew of any betrayal, he was able to carry on as though nothing had happened. As if each day was just a normal day. Completely unfazed by the harm he had just caused, like he didn’t care. Like I didn’t matter. Like he had no respect for me. As if it’s normal to cause such destruction and then sweep it away like it never occurred. How could someone do that? How can one just pretend like everything is fine once they have done something so terrible? I knew something was up, but I couldn’t figure out what. I had no proof. I know him better than he gives me credit. My gut told me something happened, some secret was being kept from me. All the while he was acting as though we were fine, so I waited, impatiently I admit, till the truth finally emerged. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, if you will. Maybe that’s why I am so defensive. I still don’t believe I have the whole truth. The one person in the whole world that I trusted more than anything else, that I fully opened up to and gave every piece of myself to, that I was the most vulnerable with and loved more than anything, abandoned me. His actions created this monster that he claims to no longer love. He’s not completely alone in this. It takes two as the saying goes. I had a hand in this abomination as well. I didn’t leave. I forgave too quickly. I gave too many chances. Each with a promise of change that was never seen to fruition. I grew impatient with time and became easily angered. I should have learned. I don’t love this person I have become either. In fact I can’t stand her. The last six months have been some of the hardest of my life with heartbreak after heartbreak made up of sorrow, desperation, and the inability to let go of what once was. You can’t treat somebody so poorly and then expect them to treat you well in return. It doesn’t work that way. You reap what you sow. If you sow lies and betrayal then take responsibility and expect to reap the consequences. You can’t be mad at somebody, who you broke, when they respond in a way that may be completely uncharacteristic and full of raw emotion. Trust is harder to build than it is to break. Building trust is gradual, difficult, and can be risky but also can be unbelievably rewarding. On some level he seems to understand what I am feeling, admitting that he himself is broken, not knowing who he is, and needs to work on healing from the inside out in order for us to have a fulfilling relationship. It’s at least reassuring to an extent and I appreciate the bits of vulnerable honesty when I can get them. It’s reassuring that I am not completely crazy, though I feel I have truly lost my mind.
I’m not innocent either. I’m not even trying to pretend like I am. I am not the easiest person to get along with or love. I should’ve left years ago. Deep down inside, at my core, I know for a fact that I should have left years ago. Instead I stayed and allowed myself to become so angry and resentful that I’ve mistreated him in a way that is undeserving to anyone. He’s 100% right, I am not happy. Though not for the reasons he may think. And I don’t think he is either. I don’t think he has been for quite some time. To be honest, at this point, I don’t know anything anymore. Was he ever truly happy with me or was it just better than his last life and he took what he could get. Maybe I’m exactly the same. I had a physically abusive boyfriend, and then a verbally abusive one. H has never laid a hand on me or said anything cruel that could even be misinterpreted as being abusive. So was I holding on because it’s better than what I had? Are we each just holding onto the past when we believed we were happy, but life wasn’t what it should’ve, or definitely could’ve, been had we been free to actually be together and build upon what we for saw? Are we each holding on to our own memories, hopes, and dreams so tightly that we have become blind to what’s right in front of us? I feel so entrenched in this circus we have created, packed full of emotional freak shows, that I can’t even tell what’s real and what’s imaginary anymore.
I said some terrible things. Some vicious, unforgivable words were spoken out of anger and should not have been said out loud. I am remorseful and take full responsibility for my lack of emotional intelligence. He fucked up in his own right, committing some acts that are just not qualities I want in a husband or potential father to my children. I don’t feel like he’s genuinely apologized for these acts either. Yes, he has said he was sorry, as have I, and that he won’t do it again while providing a list of reasons why. But they seemed hallow. He seemed hallow, as if he was just going through the motions. There was no vulnerability, no raw connection. But then we had sex and it was like everything was fixed, solved, forgotten. I have not forgotten. I will not forget. Sex doesn’t solve anything, especially when trust is already so fragile and betrayal still feels so present. I do think one should forgive if they choose to pursue a relationship or friendship with someone who has done them wrong, but forgetting is a whole other level. I don’t think anyone should ever truly forget when they have been betrayed. I’m not saying hold onto it in your back pocket so it’s ready to whip-out anytime somebody does something slightly inconvenient, or use it to try and manipulate your way, by any means. I’m saying learn from it. You can’t learn if you forget. I thought I’d get flowers or a back rub or a homemade dinner or at least a date night. We haven’t been on a date for months. We also can’t seem to be sober around each other long enough to not fight, which makes it a little hard to work through anything. To top it off I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut either, constantly taking jabs, piercingly stabbing him with each word and trying to cover the wounds with humor or physical touch. His idea of working on things and mine are very different. When I try, I feel like he doesn’t take it seriously, even laughing in my face on some occasions. He says it’s not intended to be hurtful, however that doesn’t make the sting any less painful. When he tries, I feel almost insulted for some reason like he’s not putting any effort into it. Selfish of me and unfair on both accounts. We seem to have forgotten each other‘s love languages and therefore have lost all ability to communicate. Our perspective on everything has become polar opposites and anything either of us say is taken out of context and cast in a negative light. Even things that are meant to be sweet and complementary.
I can be truly cruel. I don’t deny this. When I feel the need to protect my fragile heart, I lash out in ways that are so deadly, it becomes detrimental to my relationships. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would get this defensive with H. So why can’t I leave? Why do I know that it would be the right thing to do, at least for a little while so we can heal, and yet I’m so desperate to stay and make it work. He says I am a very jealous person. I argue I am not jealous or threatened by others, but instead sick of, what I see as being, disrespect. Is he right on some level though? Could I be jealous? The idea of picturing him with another woman is unbearable and I want no woman on earth to have him but me. He said something similar the other day, that we would have to cut all communication and never speak to or see each other again because his jealousy couldn’t handle the idea of me being with another man. God knows I don’t want another man. We professed our undying love for one another as well, dubbing the other as “the one who got away”. I think it’s the first time we’ve been on the same page in a while actually. Possessive, yeah. Obsessive, probably. Toxic, potentially. Codependent, definitely. True, raw, vulnerable emotions none the less, finally. Why can’t we seem to step up for each other and be the undeniably selfless partners we once were?
Unfortunately, there is such a rich history of pain, that I have unreasonably stooped to taking it out on him in some very unhealthy ways. Something I am truly ashamed of. I’ve been working really hard on myself for the past several months though and I’m proud of the growth and progress I have made, snail like as it may be. As a result I’ve started to feel like myself again slowly but surely. I have decided recently that I refuse to let all of my negativity bring me down to a place where it’s unhealthy for even my daughter to be around me. Instead I will choose positivity and smile each day, even if it’s fake. Fake it till you make it, right. You catch more bees with honey than vinegar, and I am sick of living in a batch of sour, smelly vinegar that is doing nothing but causing me to rot away. H has been so overwhelmingly swamped with work and life that I don’t think he’s had a minute to breathe or contemplate anything except the moment at hand. Yet for some reason it seems so unforgivable to me. He has time to hang out with his friends but not two seconds to work on us? Genuinely work on us, not just sweep the past under the rug and pretend everything is fine. Selfish, yes. Petty, probably. But there’s still so much to the story that I have yet to retail that I feel justified in being selfish and petty in this moment.
I have told him since day one that all I’ve ever wanted is him. All of him. I want the best for him, I want happiness and peace for him, and I just want to be with him. My best friend, my lover, my partner in crime. I have my own life, my own career aspirations, my own hopes and dreams, yes. The only thing I wanted to complete my story was him, kids, a happy future together for all eternity. Or at least till 70, as mentioned in our favorite Ed Sheeran song that we decided years ago to be our wedding song if in fact we ever did take vows to pledge ourselves to one another. I was pledged to him and I don’t think he appreciated it at the time. I just wanted him, and although he says I’ve had him for years, that’s not entirely true. My whole life has been on hold for what seems like a decade, waiting for him to be ready. That’s also not entirely true. I have developed an incredibly successful career and bought a house for the first time thanks in part to his support and encouragement. I also traveled the world with family and friends, memories and opportunities I am blessed to have had. This has not stopped me from yelling at him though that I have wasted so many years waiting for him. That’s not fair to him. Yet, here we are, living in the same home, and for some reason it still doesn’t feel like he’s ready or available to be a family. It’s crushing.
Residency is an absolute nightmare and puts pressure on any relationship, good or bad. And with our current pandemic, it definitely has not helped our situation. But his habit patterns of seeking attention from other women is something that I can no longer tolerate in anyway shape or form. His recent encounters, which I will eventually get to in my postings, have damaged us so far that I don’t even look at him the same. I don’t even know him anymore. I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger. I’m not gonna lie, a part of me wants to pack everything up and disappear overnight without a word, making him feel as abandoned as he’s made me feel the last couple years. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m not malicious. Truth be told, I am obviously still very much in love with him. He is leaving in three days for a week trip to Mammoth with his family. A trip that my daughter and I were supposed to join in on, but have since been disinvited. I have slowly been packing things just in case we do leave and the week he’s gone would, by all means, catch him completely off guard. Maybe he deserves it. Maybe it would make the split easier. He betrayed me in the worst possible ways and I think I am still somehow in shock. My mistake was forgiving him months ago and coming back home before I was fully healed. If I was going to leave I should’ve left, but I didn’t, I couldn’t. So I returned with the understanding that we were going to work it out. Truth is I had not yet forgiven him. I had not yet gotten over the betrayal and have since been viewing him through red colored glasses, so filled with distain and disgust from his actions, that I could not recognize or appreciate even the nicest of gestures he attempted in trying to win me back. As mentioned however, I’ve recently chosen positivity and no longer am seeing red when I look at him. Now it’s sorrow and heartache because the man I thought I knew, who was my whole world and I loved more than I could ever put into words, doesn’t seem to exist in front of me anymore. Nor does he seem to want me. He won’t talk to me, doesn’t text me, and won’t even touch me. In his place stands this person, who I am desperately trying to love, but don’t know if I can or should give yet another chance to. We have been cilvil the last week. Friendly even. And he has come home each night after work, had dinner, sat on the couch and watched tv with us. All of that hasn’t halted me from crying each day however, as I try to navigate my way through the weeds of distress. It’s as if my soul is split in two, ripped jaggedly down the center, and I am blindly feeling around in the darkness, unable to get a handle on either piece, in a pathetic and unsuccessful attempt to try and put them back together again.
I pushed us moving in together in April this year. Sick and tired of the never ending excuses and the feeling that our relationship was never going to progress past the long distance, personally unsatisfying, one that it’s been for the last seven years, I put my foot down and gave him an ultimatum. I lost my job due to Covid and didn’t feel like I could continue to afford my house, so I said either we move in together or we end it now and I find a new path in life. He voted for moving in together, but considering where we are, it seems like it was a mistake. That being said, I wouldn’t know what I do now had I not moved in, and any information is invaluable about the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Good or bad. However, perhaps I didn’t listen well enough to his needs and wants. He told me he wasn’t ready and my impatience just wouldn’t accept it. He was against me moving in a year ago, told me not to enroll my daughter in school out here but to keep her in California distance learning, and had me turn down each job offer I received. He wasn’t ready. This push back from him is not new. I’ve broken up with him several times over the years and he’s always begged me to stay or begged me not to go or begged me to come back and I have always obliged. Recently when I left him after finding out about his betrayal, he came after me. Made all the right promises and said all the right words. I returned with renewed hope, but unfortunately still a very broken heart. We are so dizzy and nauseous now from this roller coaster of a relationship that it’s definitely time for us to get off this ride and figure out what it is that we actually want, need, will tolerate, and in the end, should do.
My friends tell me to stop making making excuses for him. Bottom line, they are right. If he wanted me, we’d be married. If he loved me, he’d be faithful. If he respected me, he would be 100% honest. If he was happy and really wanted a family like he said, he wouldn’t deny and hide the one he has to everyone in his life. Me and my daughter, we have considered him our family for years, yet he doesn’t even tell people he’s in a relationship, let alone has a family who loves him. Most of his co workers had no idea I existed until I moved in and made a fuss about it. I shouldn’t have to ask someone who says they love me to not keep me a secret. There is an excuse for everything with him, and I only seem to be feeding such behavior. Worse yet is everybody knows that he was untrue and, since he only seems to talk about me from a negative perspective from what I have seen, none of his friends have any respect for me and are not shy to show this fact. He doesn’t see or want to believe how cruel some people actually are though. Since they’re nice to him, he assumes that must be the way they treat everyone else. A child like ignorance is blissful when you don’t open your eyes to the world and see it for what it truly is.
On some level I should consider myself lucky I suppose. I have been so madly in love for so long that saying goodbye seems unimaginable. Potentially that’s my problem. He is honestly the only man I have ever truly and whole heartedly loved. I love him for who he is and never wanted him to be anything more than who I knew him to be. He didn’t need to change or try to win me over, I loved my silly, fun, adventurous, and sexy best friend. Thats the man I wanted. I have never been more vulnerable or free with anyone else in my life. As a result I can’t see past my feelings for him which has made the trauma and emotional abuse, as its been pointed out, hidden from sight for so long that, as it is just now beginning to surface, I am in such shock and disbelief I have crumbled into this shell of a woman that now stands in my place. Hallow and cold. How do I crawl out of this well that I am drowning in and definitely half responsible for? Is there any fixing this? He wouldn’t touch me again last night and I was hurt so deeply that I responded with cruelty again. How do I stop myself? How do I grow once again into the loving woman I once was? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t mean to hurt him. I need to take better control over my emotional intelligence and move forward for myself. I just pray that my future, despite everything, still has him in it.
As with so many couples I’m sure, if we had only met at a different time or under different circumstances, or were more resolute with our shortcomings, we could have been the most happy and incredible couple ever seen. Maybe it’s too late. I told him the damage has already been done and there is no going back now. Then again the point, like I said, is to move forwards not backwards. Perhaps we met at the exact right time, a time were we needed someone the most, and our purpose in each others lives has been complete, making it simply time to move on. Perhaps I am a home wrecking whore and a terrible person for falling in love with a man I wasn’t suppose to have. Not to imply negative self talk, but truth is sometimes negative. I try to believe everything for a reason. He was my saving grace when I needed one most. I can’t say what I have been for him. I can only hope something equally as miraculous. That’s why the pain is so deep. The sting so sharp. You can’t hate someone that you didn’t love to begin with. God knows I love H. I admire him. I look up to him. I even envy him in some ways. I was told that a relationship that begins as an affair never ends well. Maybe this is our karma. Maybe we have to walk away so that we can truly begin a new. A fresh start. A healthy beginning. Secure a stable foundation in order to build the life we have always talked about.
You-and-Me-Wine 