To address a previous statement, we definitely have not accepted the break up yet. Pissed, frustrated, and fed up; anyone who knows our current situation has pointed out the toxicity of our relationship and they are right. We, ourselves, have been having many conversations in the last couple of weeks about how unhealthy things have become. With volatile fights, mistrust, and overall anxiety we have indeed become toxic.
“any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”
-Dr lillian Glass
I would not say that we are actively seeking to undermine each other by any means, or be malicious intentionally. The hard part is that we are still very much in love, but the amount of disrespect and conflict is palpable by anyone within a 10ft radius of us. A better explanation may be:
“…A toxic relationship is characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and physically damaging to their partner. While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy. A healthy relationship involves mutual caring, respect, and compassion, an interest in our partner’s welfare and growth, an ability to share control and decision-making, in short, a shared desire for each other’s happiness. A healthy relationship is a safe relationship, a relationship where we can be ourselves without fear, a place where we feel comfortable and secure. A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is not a safe place…characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control. We risk our very being by staying in such a relationship. To say a toxic relationship is dysfunctional is, at best, an understatement.”
-healthscopemag.com
We use to have a healthy relationship, or so I thought. One that was envied by all who crossed our path. Now there is no trust, bad communication, emotional damage, insecurity, and fear. Yet we can’t seem to walk away from each other. Bonded like magnets, no matter how mad each of us get, as soon as we look at each other we literally and figuratively grasp at the other, unable to let go. Somehow both codependent in order to survive it seems.
Codependent- excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.
-Dictionary
He recently went on a weekend getaway, said he needed to be alone to think. Well turns out a few friends went with him, which aggravated me to no end. I felt lied too, back stabbed even. He took off with these people “for the sake of our relationship” instead of talking to and communicating with me on where we stand and what our next step should be. You can’t fix what you don’t address. Ignoring or sweeping things under the rug solves nothing. Space, distance; yes of course needed and I understood. Saying you’re going somewhere alone and that turning out to be highly false, that’s a different story. How do I know for sure that anything he says is true. How can I believe that he was really even with these people and not laying on the beach with some other woman. Am I getting half truths, and he is filling in what he thinks will cause the least amount of conflict instead of being honest. These questions, and others like them, overflow in my mind causing such uncertainty that I don’t even know if I can trust myself. For the past few years I have felt like he puts me last, which my friends have pointed out that he probably does considering how much I have tolerated through the course of the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he’s a bad person. This planned, not before mentioned, trip was just another example of things I have put up with. 2 females, one of them gay who he roomed with apparently, and a guy he doesn’t care for, joined his ‘alone time’ weekend. He can’t seem to ever be alone. Anytime there is an argument H appears to run to the first person that pays him an ounce of attention instead of trying to talk to and work things out with me. I don’t particularly care for any of these people and worry about the influence they have on him and our relationship. One is rude, overbearing, and going through a divorce herself; one is 10 yrs his junior, constantly snubs me, and seems too always be around; and the guy is so unbelievably gawky it makes him hard to converse with. All of them intelligent, doctors from different parts of the country, but not people we would have found ourselves aligning with in a past life. Funny thing is, if we weren’t here, in this remote town on the other side of the country all alone, he would never have spoken to any of these people. H talked so much shit about them when he got here that I’m not entirely sure how they even formed a friendship to begin with. As H is the same age as most of his attendings, doctors in charge of his residency training program, I assumed they would have been the people he would connect with most. It started out that way I thought, having gone out for drinks or over to hang out with these age appropriate family men. Somewhere along the way however, he seems to have lost those connections and ended up with this rag tag team of socially awkward misfits that I find uncouth to say the least. Not in a cool, cinematic, Breakfast Club sort of way either. More of a judgmental, controlling and overly opinionated group that most, with any sort of manners, stays clear of.
You are who you surround yourself with. H claims to want nothing more than a family, even recently buying a new SUV “family car”. And yet he seems to be blind to the one that has been standing in front of him for years! Three women, me, my daughter and his own, who love, admire, and look up to him unconditionally more than he will ever fully know or, I fear, appreciate. Feeling as though I am constantly being kept at arms length, as he is pushing me further away, is devastating. I want nothing more than to just be with him and expand our already beautiful family. My daughter for years has been telling everyone that H is her dad, and H in turns tells my daughter “I love you” more than her own biological father ever has. Why then does he surround himself with, and take stock in, people who don’t ever seem to have his best interest at heart, but instead their own agenda. People who in 18 months he will probably never see again. Why does his general behavior come across as counterproductive to his proclamation of wanting a family. He constantly chooses a social life over us, caring more about what people think of him than about having solid and secure relationships. I feel like we are just not enough.
A few weeks ago we hung out with some male doctors, in a neighboring city, that H claimed he had not conversed with much before. We had a fun night listening to music, grabbing drinks, and having a very elegant sushi dinner. Apparently H has hardly spoken with these guys since that night and I can not seem to wrap my head around why. Why this handsome, successful, fun man can not make or keep male friends. He’s not overly egotistical, most people seem to like him and his never ending interesting tales of traveling the world with the Air Force, his charm, his humor, and his intelligence. Obviously I’m biased, but whatever the social hang up is, I have not yet figured out. Ironically this has been a theme in boyfriends of mine. They always seem to be the one man amongst a sea of female companions. A therapist recently told me I attract “emotionally unavailable men”, which looking back, could not be more accurate. Something I am currently working to change. Manifest the change you want, right?
I know what I want. A simple yet refined life is what I picture for myself and my daughter. I want a caring, stable, and secure life partner that I can rely on, and I undeniably want more children. I always pictured a big family. I am seeking honesty, trust, loyalty, and respect. I will manifest it all one way or another. For now I’m here, this rural horse town in what feels like the middle of nowhere, clinging to the belief that this partner is the love of my life. That we somehow just lost our way and the path back is still possible, not yet shrouded in an unrecognizable overgrowth of hopelessness.
Unfortunately this isn’t the first time he’s disappeared with this group after him and I have fought. I had the gut instinct that he was dragging on fights in order to go on these little getaways with his friends, and I called him out on it last night. He swears that’s not the case at all, that one of them suggested the getaway last min, and he needed to take a breath from the arguing. He appeared sincere in answering me, but my insecurity makes me unsure. He has been so distant and cold for so long that I don’t know if I should believe anything he tells me. I don’t know if I even know who he is anymore. H has quite a bit going on in his life. Not just with medical residency and our hostile relationship, but the last 6 years for him have been crushing and I empathize with that. I think that’s why it’s so difficult for me to leave. I can’t abandon my best friend, the one person in my life who I was ever truly myself with, and who loved and supported me through so much. He gets overwhelmed with life and shuts down, I feel pushed aside, neglected, and get angry, and it snowballs from there. We don’t even feel like friends anymore. I know my attitude doesn’t aid in the situation, but neither does his storm outs, secrecy, and the never ending line of longing women.
My daughter and I arrived home late Sunday night to find H sitting on the couch waiting up for us after his trip. He had work early the next day, so should have been fast asleep. Honestly, I was surprised to see him home at all. He said he missed me so much and spent the whole weekend thinking of me and us. That he loves me, can’t see us not being together, and that he wants to try again. Take it one day at a time. He was cuddly, sweet, romantic, and sensual all night long. This was a stark contrast from what he said just before leaving two days prior. It started with him yelling “we are done!” as he slammed the front door behind himself after I accused him yet again of being a liar. He swears he never dated an old family friend that I recently found out about, and unexpectedly met, when she showed up to our house on my birthday of all days. His mom told me a very different tale about their relationship and I just wanted honesty. Lies can literally drive someone mad. I didn’t care so much if they dated, I just wanted the truth. I didn’t want to look like an idiot who was being played a fool. Looking back, the fight and accusations were not necessary, but that shows how fragile we have become. Recently I feel like every word out of his mouth is a lie and I have lost my mind as a result. Later the next day he said he wasn’t angry anymore, as he sat on the edge of the bed on the verge of tears. I walked over and held him saying “I’m sorry I’m so hard to love”. I make no false pretenses that I am an easy person to date or even get along with. His eyes welled and he said “No, I fucked up. I fucked everything up”. He proceeded to tell me that he doesn’t see a future with us and that he will never marry me or get me pregnant. Two very hot button items of discussion over the last couple of years, and a statement I have been trying to swallow since.
As he spent the weekend ‘thinking of me’, I spent it contemplating what I want, need and will continue to tolerate. We don’t ever fight in front of my daughter, or his when she is around, but that doesn’t mean the girls can feel the tension when we are fighting. You can’t change someone, you have to either love them for who they are or set them free. H use to be everything I could dream of wanting in a man, life partner, and best friend. We have tried a few times, but can’t ever seem to let the other go completely free. Hopefully through this blog I can pin point exactly when and where it all went so wrong. Right now I can only focus on how I feel today. Everyday is different. Everyday is unknown. Will we fight? Will we make love? Will he come home? Will I be mad about some earworm of a distant memory that is irrelevant in the moment? Will he be keeping secrets that can influence the fate of our future if I only knew, good or bad? He argued one night that I have no idea how committed he is to me, and the truth is, I don’t. I don’t have a clue! So blinded by negative emotions, I was shocked by that claim. There was so much drama from other woman up through September that all the pain still feels so raw. At the same time I would argue he has no idea how much I love him, and he probably doesn’t. Not to the full extent anyways. Though me screaming “I hate you” the last few weeks, and him clamming up and constantly leaving, has not done us any favors. Truth is I don’t hate, not even in the slightest. I do hate our situation. I hate that he doesn’t open up and so we can not honestly work on anything if we don’t communicate. I hate that there are always other women which he doesn’t seem to recognize. I hate how badly broken my heart has become over recent events. But him, who he is, him I love. I will always love.
Reflecting on everything, maybe we never had a healthy relationship. It was definitely never conventional or I’m sure most of you would call “right”. But we were happy. I was so happy. At least for a while.
You-and-Me-Wine 